Wednesday, January 7, 2009

After the divorce

Divorce is an end and a beginning.From the moment you walk out of the courthouse, you will need new knowledge, ideas, and most of all a new outlook. That divorce has witnessed the birth of a new person; even though you must go on with life, you will find that you see things with very different eyes.You will be a different parent, child and adult.

Parents have to take care of themselves before they can help their children. If you don't have children you still have to deal with all the emotions you will have as a newly divorced adult. First you need to take control of your own life. It is quite normal for you to feel bad even if you wanted the divorce. You must allow yourself to grieve over the loss of a way of living.

The moment you decide that you want to go on with your new life you will becoming a different person. What you feel today is not something that you will feel in three years or even tomorrow. Right now you you can put a band aid on the wound but farther down the road a great deal of thoughtful learning is required on an ongoing basis.

Over time you are going to turn into a butterfly and no longer be that little caterpillar you were before the Divorce. To succeed; your sef image is going to have to change radically. The stresses and damage done by a marriage that ended in divorce, need to be translated into a competent and amiable way of dealing with life.

How you manage this depends on how you deal with the bumps in the road ahead. You need to cry for the loss of a relationship whether it was good or bad. Whether you divorced your former spouse or they left you; crying is very good for the soul. You must hasten not to think of yourself as a victim but must see this time as the birth of a new day. It is hard to think of being a betrayer or of having been betrayed on any level but you must go on.

Your change in identity is only accomplished by yourself. The divorce papers do not magically do that for you. Most change happens gradually as time goes by and you will have 'relapses' of emotion but one moring you will wake up and see the sun is shining and you actually will feel happy. After all the crying, anger and self doubt you will be able to carry on in a normal way but as a new person. The other person will no longer haunt your thoughts, nor be a part of your mindset, and you will be able to make decisions without needing that other 'voice'. During this transition give yourself little rewards; get a new hairdo, or a massage, a new dress, or a membership at a gym. Your emotional equilibrium will become steadier and you be in charge of things a little more each day. Be easy on you and love yourself throughout this process. The important thing is to give yourself time to heal.

It is important to see the humor in things as soon as possible as laughter is very good for the soul. If you have to deal with your former partner strive to be politely civil. If you have children don't berate the other parent around them. Leave that emotional heaving for your counselor or confidant. Just remember that each day that you move farther away from the relationship you are going to be closer to that new person you have become.

Just a few suggestions for reading if you wish.
Dating for Dummies

The 12 Steps To Divorce

I have been both a counsellor to couples and gone through divorce myself; I do have a quite a bit of expertise in the field. It is an unfortunate fact of life in North America that 10% of our population has gotten at least one divorce between 2001 and 2005. The average age of women seeking a divorce is 26 years and it is 30 for the men. Fidelity does not seem to be as important as it once was back in the 50's.

Be clear that you can work at turning your problems around if you find a way to make the marriage work. All that said; when the marriage counselling doesn't work, and one or both of the spouses are ready to part company, the time has come hopefully to find the most painless way of severing the ties that bind.

12 Steps to Divorce

1. Get all your financial and legal papers rounded up and in order. This includes pulling up your credit report so that things can be divided fairly, closing all joint accounts, and keeping your own property separate from your spouses.

2. Open your own credit card, bank and other accounts.

3. Change the people to whom you are leaving your money and possessions.

4. It may be a good idea to hire an advisor to discover just what you are worth as a couple.

5. If you are a woman use your maiden name from now on.

6. Make sure your retirement funds and your health coverage is in order.

7. Keep track of all the things you do while acquiring the divorce.

8. Use the library, free legal associations and your computer to educate yourself.

9. You are bound to have a lot of mixed feelings about the divorce, be your own best friend and try keep your emotions under wrap. You can grieve later.

10. Other than those decisions to do with the divorce, try not to make any life altering changes until you have had a chance to let things settle down.

11. To find a lawyer that will be in your corner; enquire of friends and the local bar association for referrals and make an educated decision.

12. Stay closely involved in your case both mentally and physically. Your lawyer is there to go to bat for you legally but you are responsible to tell them what you want during the proceedings.

Now at this point I would like to say that it isn't always the woman that is the victim in a divorce, sometimes the man is the one that has been mistreated, often both have in different ways. So here is a book for the man that needs some consideration. Men's Divorce Tactics

Monday, June 23, 2008

Different Divorces

When you are investigating what divorce is all about it probably would be a good idea to review all the different 'types' there are in our society.

Some couples decide for the good of their children they should separate the home up into yours, mine and have common areas for the 'family'. Still others move far away from their spouse and have the children on designated holidays. Then there are people who set up two individual households close to each other and the children travel between the parents homes and school. There are also those mothers or fathers; whose spouse doesn't live up to their obligations nor supports or visits their children. The wise person will do their absolute best for themselves and the children. Some people find themselves learning a whole new kind of civility for the sake of their sons and daughters. If something pleasant comes from this for the parents; well then all the better for everyone.

Here are a few resources you may find helpful in your individual cases of divorce:
Stay or Leave?
Save Thousands!
Divorce Secrets
Divorce Decision!
Divorce Advice

Now what I wish for both spouses is the ability to learn from their mistakes and get out there and live bravely! (Sorry, couldn't find a similar book for the fellas yet.)
Which Guys Make Great Mates?